How do I deal with this difficult person?
We hear this question all the time! “I have this difficult person at work; how do I deal with them?” There are no simple answers, but one framework we like to use is the Dealing with Difficult People model by Dr Rick Kirschner and Dr Rick Brinkman. We highly recommend this book if you are dealing with difficult people in life or at work.
But if you are short on time, here are our cheat notes.
There are a few principles we follow as we coach leaders to become more effective:
- Assume positive intent – The difficult person probably didn’t wake up intending to be difficult or annoying or cause problems. Assuming positive intent can take some of the emotion out of the interaction, rather than assuming the person is being deliberately difficult.
- It takes two to tango – One person cannot be difficult on their own; it definitely takes two. While their contribution might be 90% and yours only 10% (unlikely, but let’s imagine), you still have a role in the situation. Ask yourself: What can I do differently to avoid being difficult or making this situation worse?
- Your opinion isn’t necessarily fact – Often, we assume others “don’t get it” or are being stubborn. It’s possible they understand but disagree. Just because you see things differently doesn’t make you right and them wrong.
- Be clear and concise – Don’t assume that because you’ve said something once, it’s been understood. Research shows that the average attention span is now less than 8 seconds, and even less for teenagers. If you are a parent of teenagers, this won’t surprise you, so be clear, concise, and willing to repeat yourself if needed. Also, seek clarification to ensure mutual understanding.
- Focus on behaviours, not people – Instead of labelling someone as difficult, address specific behaviours. This shifts the conversation from a personal attack to a discussion on actions, which are easier to change.
- Reflect on your role – Instead of placing blame, consider what you can change to improve the interaction.
Brinkman and Kirschner outline 10 types of difficult personalities – Sniper, Grenade, Yes Person, No Person, Maybe Person, Tank, Know-It-All, Think-They-Know-It-All, Nothing Person, and Whiner. As you read this list, you may recognise some of these behaviours in your life or work, or perhaps even in yourself. Read the book if you want to learn more about these behaviour types.
They offer strategies and tactics for managing each style, but our simple summary is as follows:
- Don’t embarrass them in public – The worst thing you can do is deliberately embarrass or call out a difficult person in front of others. Be respectful and calm, no matter how difficult they may be. This can be hard, but it’s essential.
- Acknowledge their perspective – Often, difficult behaviour stems from feeling unheard or unacknowledged. Find ways to show that you understand their perspective. If you don’t, ask for clarification.
- Be clear on both perspectives – Once you are both clear on each other’s viewpoints, you can agree or disagree more effectively. Many business decisions are not about one definitive “right” answer; they are educated opinions based on experience. It’s okay to disagree and discuss these differences logically to hopefully find a better solution. Research has shown that innovation and better decisions emerge when there is constructive debate rather than compliance and harmony.
- Hold people accountable for their behaviour – Address behaviours directly by outlining their impact and consequences. For example, a “Tank” behaviour involves yelling or bullying. A response could be: “I understand that you are passionate about this situation, but please do not yell at me. When you yell, I stop listening, and we won’t be able to find a solution. If you continue to yell, I will stop the conversation, and we can reconvene when you’ve calmed down.” This may not be easy the first time, but you won’t need to have this conversation too often before the person understands.
- Be curious – When someone exhibits difficult behaviour, genuinely ask, “I’m curious, I don’t understand your perspective. What’s making you so annoyed? Or what information do you need to make a decision? Please help me understand so we can find a solution.”
If you would like to find out more about how coaching programs can help manage difficult behaviours, contact us.
